Battle of the Covers: Toxic (Request)

"Dusty Ventures" (dustyventures) 09/01/2014 at 12:30 • Filed to: Battle of the Covers, BOTC, Musclopnik, The Toxic Avenger

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I know, I'm just as surprised as you. Of all the songs I expected for cover requests Britney Spears was definitely on my radar. And who would believe there were even enough covers of "Toxic" to make a battle. But Vorspringing did indeed suggest it, and the covers are there. So let's do as the boys in my eighth grade classes often did and fight over Britney Spears.

!!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! was a perfect demonstration of the sentiment that not all songs can be covered, as the available covers were pretty much all a varying shade of terrible. With ten contenders in the running (and some even worse covers posted in the comments), there was enough awful to last a lifetime, and the voting proved this as every single cover received at least one vote for "worst." The battle for best of this worst started with The Muppets taking an early lead, but lounge singer Richard [Dick] Cheese fought back, and as we went into the final hour of voting the two were tied at ten votes each. The Muppets held an emergency telethon and managed to raise four pledge votes, giving them the win over Cheese by three. Meanwhile in the battle for worst, Abigal (who deserves an award for worst lip syncing) took an early lead, but in the final hours was passed by Paul Anka, who ended up beating her by two votes. A surge in anti-furry sentiment saw the votes for The Muppets rise to tie Abigal as the polls closed as well. At least Abigal can shimmy away with the distinguished title of "only competitor without a vote for best cover."

Toxic was released in January 2004 as the second single of Britney Spears' fourth album, In The Zone. It was a global hit, achieving top-5 chart status in fifteen different countries, and is considered the strongest track of the album. Written by Cathy Dennis, Henrik Jonback, Christian Karlsson and Pontus Winnberg, it was originally offered to Kylie Minogue, but Minogue turned it down. She later referred to the song as "the fish that got away."

As usual there were some entertaining (read: terrible) covers that showed up during my search, with the crown jewel !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! by German Country band "The BossHoss" (yes, you really did read that right). I tried to keep this one to genuinely decent covers. Here's what we've got:

Juliet Turner - (2004)

Local H - 2005

Chapin Sisters - (2005)

Mark Ronson - (2007)

Hard-Fi - (2007)

A Static Lullaby - (2009)

Christopher Dallman - (2009)

Blowsight - (2011)

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AND DON'T FORGET! If you want to check back on the results of previous rounds, or see what covers are coming in future rounds, there is now a !!!error: Indecipherable SUB-paragraph formatting!!! with past rounds and the upcoming battle schedule.

Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire > Dusty Ventures 09/01/2014 at 12:41

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I have to give Mark Ronson the vote for best.

Blowsight sounds like Nickelback decided to try metal, so fuck that terrible noise.

Steve is equipped with Electronic Fool Injection > Dusty Ventures 09/01/2014 at 12:51

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perhaps you should do a battle on "no surprises." It seems that's radiohead's "hallelujah"

Dusty Ventures > Steve is equipped with Electronic Fool Injection 09/01/2014 at 12:59

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I shall add it to the queue. And I thought "Creep" was Radiohead's "Halelujah"

saabstory | fixes bikes, breaks cars > Dusty Ventures 09/01/2014 at 13:13

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It is in terms of popularity at least. No Surprises is closer musically to Hallelujah, I guess.

Dusty Ventures > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 09/01/2014 at 13:22

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Nickelback deciding to try metal is a terrifying proposition.

Dusty Ventures > saabstory | fixes bikes, breaks cars 09/01/2014 at 15:20

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True

ACESandEIGHTS > Arch Duke Maxyenko, Shit Talk Extraordinaire 09/01/2014 at 20:58

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Wow that Blowsight was garbagey. I was like... is this nu-rock does ska punk does Britney? This is an assault upon mine ears. Though Christopher Dallman was pretty much everything I hate about music. He's the representative of "Oh dear God why did I buy this album—there was one good song and the rest is pure shit."

JawKnee > Dusty Ventures 09/01/2014 at 21:31

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If I remember correctly you have a "no live" rule. But that is half of Lounge Against the Machine's albums and their whole shtick. So I am writing in this:

Richard Cheese - Toxic (Just The Song):

Dusty Ventures > JawKnee 09/01/2014 at 21:36

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I did come across this during my cover search, and reluctantly had to exclude it for that very reason. Hilarious cover though.

vorspringing > Dusty Ventures 09/01/2014 at 22:26

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Wooo! You even got my two favorites, Hard-Fi and Ronson. Still working through the others.

Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again. > Dusty Ventures 09/02/2014 at 16:48

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I really wanted to vote down a static lullaby because of that guys stupid septum ring, but then I heard Christopher Dallman. That is the worst pseudo gay voice ever.

beardsbynelly - Rikerbeard > Dusty Ventures 09/03/2014 at 00:38

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I voted against blowsight based entirely on their hairstyles.

But I also voted for them because I think it's cool that Lena Headey has a musical side project.

mcseanerson > Dusty Ventures 09/03/2014 at 00:45

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I appear to have just made things worse. Sorry.

Dusty Ventures > beardsbynelly - Rikerbeard 09/03/2014 at 00:48

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I've got bad news for you...

beardsbynelly - Rikerbeard > Dusty Ventures 09/03/2014 at 00:54

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next you'll be telling me that Stryper are dudes too.

Dusty Ventures > beardsbynelly - Rikerbeard 09/03/2014 at 01:01

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That one's more like the number of licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie pop. The world may never know.